Without words

I have never considered language separate from myself; "es decir que" I never considered language a tool, I took it for granted that I could say what I felt. When I arrived in South America, I quickly learned here that my self expression had nothing to do with language -- it couldn't because I couldn't "manejar" (manuever) the language well enough. There were so many days I was beyond frustrated because I wanted the people to see "Megan." However, I was taken out of my zone completely: I couldn't make others comfortable by asking them questions (because I couldn't formulate the questions well or understand the answers), I couldn't voice fun observations about society or carry on a political conversation, I couldn't be comforting when things happened to my family or Argentine friends here... I felt like I couldn't care for people well, or I couldn't be silly or intelligent or interested... because I had no words. I had to depend on others to have patience while I spoke, or ask me questions, or hope we connected in another way...

And I realized quickly that my personality is completely separate from words, and if there were no words, I would still be Megan. My personality would still need expression. My little sisters were the first people who knew me well. Kids don't need words as much -- silly faces across the breakfast table, pillow fights, spontaneous dance parties, and cuddling while watching movies is sufficient. I listen well -- if I can't be sincere and loving with words, I can be that through listening - using my eyes and attention to show people that I do want to know of their lives. I laugh a lot here. I laugh because sometimes I understand things but can't respond quickly enough to be witty, or just because people need to know I'm fun. I dance. -- yeah, tango! By doing something that doesn't require words, my friends know: how I am when I'm frustrated (when I constantly error in a step), how to encourage me, that I don't take things too seriously because we laugh when I screw up, and that I have tons of energy (am "feisty" as one friend calls me). I also had to find other ways of loving people (I'm a big words of affirmation person) -- so being attentive to people through quality time, buying thoughtful gifts, cleaning the kitchen...

In the past three months, my language has improved incredibly. But I still search for other ways of self-expression. It's been stretching, challenging, frustrating, and fun, but I think it's a really beautiful lesson... and if anything, I'm even MORE dynamic now...